Lamer's Corner - THE COLLECTION
All "Lamer's Corner" articles from the fabulous, legendary Amiga-disk magazine Scandinavian News, that was released for 10 issues from 1988-1990. Possible the funniest and most enjoyable disk magazine ever released!
The creative genius behind Lamer's Corner was The Dark Lord from The Wizards, Inc., a less productive but very respected Amiga-group back there in 1988/1989. Now, thinking back in 1997, The Dark Lord feels like a lost friend since HE was a cool fellow. And by reading his Lamer's Corners, you must agree that anyone blessed with such a sense of humour, should be immediately granted status of a saint.
- - - -
!!! LAMERS CORNER !!! Issue 1
*** HOW TO WRITE A SUUPER DEMO !! ***
Hello there! Are you one of them poor losers? Do you want to make your way to the top? Well, Skandinavian News has become humanitarian!!! Yes, we want you to have a chance to increase your status. The first Way to do this is to write a good demo, isn't it?
Now how do you do this? This Section will introduce you in ALL the secrets of professional Amiga Coding.
First of all we have to choose the language we want to use. Our first intro will be coded in AmigaBasic and our last demo will be in cool Assembler Code... If you have any questions, just contact Skand. News and be sure to get a LAUGH. OK, Let's Begin.
Today we want to write our first real Intro coded in the great AmigaBasic (GfABasic is muuuch more complicated.)! How do we do this? First of all we have to think of a cool name for our group. How about 'Disco-Wankers'?? OK, now that we have the name, we first have to write some lines of Copyrights. These are them:
REM T H E
REM D I S C O - W A N K E R S
REM present in 1989:
REM THE INCREDIBLE MEGADEMO BY
REM THE 'PERFECT FREAK!'
REM Coded in just 3 hours...
Now you may wonder why we use so many 'REM'-lines. These 'REM'-lines are the Secret of every TOP Programmer. These REM Lines are increasing the Speed of your Coprocessors Agnus and Denise, so if you use them, you can increase your speed a little bit...
OK, now that we have the Starting Sequence, let's think of a cool Scroll text - (not too long because our intro should be short...).
Let's put it this way:
a$="THE DISCO-WANKERS PRESENT SOMETHING."
OK, but where are the Greetings? If you have loots and looots of Greetings (Not always to the same person, that is...) then you seem to be a Cool Dude. Now you can use two possibilities: Being a loser nobody will mind if you just think of some names and put them in the Greetings list. OR you can just say 'GREETINGS TO ALL OUR CONTACTS'. This is good, because then nobody knows that the only contact you ever had was when you put your shit fingers into the electricity plug... So let's use this:
a$="THE DISCO WANKERS PRESENT SOMETHING. GREETINGS TO ALL CONTACTS."
Cool, eh ? Let's remember the lenght of this.
But wait - this would take TOO long. So here is the Complete Sourcecode:
REM T H E
REM D I S C O - W A N K E R S
REM present in 1989:
REM THE INCREDIBLE MEGADEMO
REM BY THE 'PERFECT FREAK!'
REM Coded in just 3 hours...
a$="THE DISCOWANKERS PRESENT SOMETHING. GREETINGS TO ALL CONTACTS"
a=len(a$):col=0:REM SYSTEM DEFINITIONS SCREEN 2,320,200,5,1:
REM **THIS ONE OPENS THE SCREEN ***
WINDOW 2,"DISCO WANKERS IN 1989!!!!!!" ,,16,2: REM THIS ONE OPENS A WINDOW
K=MOUSE(0):REM *** HERE YOU GET THE MOUSE STATUS
LOCATE 5,5:REM *** HERE IS OUR SCROLLY LOCATED
PRINT A$:REM *** AND PRINTED OUT
PALETTE 0,col,1-col,col:REM NEW COLORS
col=rnd(1):REM CHANGE DEFAULT COLORS
B$=LEFT$(A$,1):REM ROTATE TEXT FIRST1/2
C$=RIGHT$(A$,A-1):REM ROTATE TEXT 2.1/2
A$=C$+B$:REM GET NEW STRING
IF K=0 THEN GOTO LOOP:REM IF NOT MOUSE PRESSED THEN LOOP ON..
WINDOW 2 CLOSE:REM WINDOW IS CLOSED
SCREEN 2 CLOSE:REM SCREEN IS CLOSED
REM EXIT TO YOUR SYSTEM
OK, now you can type this short program. Don't forget to write EVERY REM-Line I put in here, because as said above, REM-Lines Increase the Speed. If the program is too slow, just include more REM-Lines.. Some 10 REM-Lines increase the Speed with about.5 Seconds per Command. COOL! MEGACOOL! SUPERCOOL!
Now we also want to include some animated 3D Vectorgraphix. How do we do so? We write the following Subroutine:
VEKTOR: REM - SUBROUTINE
CLS: REM - CLEAR THE SCREEN
CIRCLE (150,100),r,1: REM-MAKE A CIRCLE
IF b=1 THEN GOTO si1: REM- CHANGE VALUE
r=r+1: REM - CHANGE VALUE
IF r=100 THEN b=1: REM - CHANGE VALUE
GOTO ex: REM ???
si1: REM - CHANGE?
r=r-1: REM CHANGE VALUE?!
IF r=0 THEN b=0: REM CHANGE VALUE!
And then we write after the 'LOOP'label this: GOSUB VEKTOR. Then we have a SUPERCOOL Megaultrahardcore first demo. Everyone will just LOVE us. Juhuuu!
!!! LAMER'S CORNER !!!
*** How to RIP a COOOL Intro... ***
(A REAL Story....)
Hello there! Are you one of them poor losers? Do you want to make your way to the top? Well, Skandinavian News has become humanitarian !!! Yes, we want you to have a chance to increase your status. The first Way to do this is to write a good demo, isn't it? Now how do you do this ? Well, here is a TRUE Story telling you how to do it...
We go to a Programmer and steal one of his disks. By chance we get a disk with only one, little boring small intro from the time when he was still learning Assembly. (And still is, actually...) Now this Sourcecode only consists of a Picture, Text, Colors, Sprites and Some Digisound. Now we just change the intro - and we are FAMOUS !!!
To begin with this let's edit the Scrolltext! First in the Scrolltext mention your name. (Of course, your REAL name only, we don't want to lie, do we?) After this you write: 'IT IS NOW 2.00AM AND I AM TIRED.' This always sounds MEGACOOL and nobody will know if you write this text in the brain hospital or in the local Policestation. The next sentence has to be a COOOOOL Dirty Word. FUCK is always welcome. 'FUCK' will make your scrolltext so cool, you may even be cooler than the South Pole. Ok, write 'FUCK'. COOL! COOL! COOL! The next word you write is: 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.' Of course you DO know what you want to write but you won't tell them, will you? A COOOOL scrolltext HAS to be 'without previous ideas', otherwise none will like it. So you write 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE'. COOL! MEGAMEGACOOL! Now we write first some 'Fuckings' ! (No Antigreetings - Fuckings sounds MUUUUCH cooooooler..) But to whom should we send fuckings? We don't know anyone, so we can't be offended by anyone. Therefore we send Antigreetings to: SOMEONE that doesn't really exist! We think of some bad words for him and write: FUCKINGS TO (Sign your name) FOR (anything you want).
Now we send the Greetings. 'GREETINGS TO:' Well, STOP! We don't know ANYONE, we just want to become FAMOUS! So we say 'GREETINGS TO ALL OUR CONTACTS' - which is in fact true. ALL OUR CONTACTS are one and this one is the contact to our local brain Doctor (a goooood friend, always so friendly, and these nice little toys he uses to bring along...). But hold it - we forgot the SPECIAL Greets! Why not send specials to someone ? But to whom - this is once again a question TORTURING our five braincells. We send Special Greetings to the Police for not catching us. Well, this is no wonder, we have NO cracks so the Police is for sure NOT A SINGLE BIT Interested in us. But this 'SPECIAL GREETINGS TO THE POLICE' sounds hypermegaultracool so we HAVE to include this. GREAT! Then we write some COOOOL sentence as a conclusion like 'IF YOU NOW PRESS THE LEFT MOUSE BUTTON - THEN NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.' Isn't this a GREAT joke?
Now we have to change the Sprites. We don't know how sprites are edited, so we just change all values to Zero, so that NOTHING is displayed.
Next we are to change the picture.But HOW! We don't know the format! Well, LUCKY men we are, we find the Iff-converter on the disk and now that the Format has to be Bitmap. Now we paint a COOOL Picture. Because we cannot paint we just use normal 'TOPAZ80' text, write our name, double the font twice and use this a logo. We save this as a Bitmap Picture and enjoy a COOOOOOOOL picture.
Now we want to change the colors. Being the professional Art Workers that we are, we choose Green, Yellow and Purple for the Scroll, Blue for the Background and Black for the Picture. FANTASTIC. Now there's still this Digisound which we can't change because we have no Digitizer - but that does not matter too much, we just say 'WE RIPPED THE SOUND FROM SOME INTRO.' This sounds COOL - we can rip sounds, we are the TOP ELITE SUPER HICLASS PROFESSIONAL Crackers...... AND THEN WE BECOME FAMOUS!!!
(NOTE: This happened to one of my old, boring test scrolls once! NO JOKE!)
(PS: I examined the file : Exactly as mentioned above it was done.......)
(PSS: Honestly! NO JOKE! These Creatures are not just Fantasy figures, they REEAAALLLY creep around somewhere here in Germany! So, Roland, if you ever get this (in some 20 years)then FUCK YOU!!!!)
- - - -
!!! LAMERS CORNER !!! Exclusive:
INTERVIEW WITH A REALLIFE LAMER!
SN: WHAT IS YA NAME?
LAMER: Sorry, I didn't get this one, what does 'ya' mean?
SN: YA IS YOUR.
LAMER: Really? It's mine? THANKS!
SN: FORGET IT. WHAT ARE YOUR CONTACTS?
LAMER: Oh, I have very much Contacts. For instance every morning I use the toilet and have a nice conversation with my bath towel, and I can tell you my bath towel is a very good friend of mine. I also have some contacts to the local police because of being too stupid to walk and drive. Sometimes I even am in contact with my Computer, for instance when I am coding on my soon-to-be-released MEGAIntro in ManxC.
SN: WHAT IS A LAMER?
LAMER: Lamer? Never heard of it - oh yes, I remember, one cool dude once named me this way after I had run in front of his car. But I think lamer is a very nice word, it sounds so cool. Lamer, that is music in my ears.
SN: WHAT ARE YOU ? LAMER : What I am? Well, I am very COOOOOL because I even know that CRTL-AMIGA-AMIGA is a very useful key to use to speed up the copying of two disks....
SN: HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?
LAMER: Well, mostly I see myself as the future Emperor of the total earth as regards the optimizing of technical lavatory processes. I don't know what this sentence means but I read it in a dictionary and it again sounds nice.
SN: ARE YOU A LAMER?
LAMER: Yes of course, and I am proud of it. Very Proud!
SN: WHAT IS YOUR MUSICAL FAVOURITE? LAMER: Of course Michael Jackson, and this for two reasons. ONE - he is as often in the washing machine as my underwear, and his face also looks like my dirty underwear. THE OTHER ONE - I like people who are not brighter than me and who are too stupid to be ashamed of this fact. THE LAST ONE is that Michael Jackson always has this hickup in his songs, I have a hickup in my brain. Everytime I want to say a smart sentence I am not smart enough to remember it.....
SN: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH DISKS?
LAMER: Well disks are very funny. You can put your hands on the Round thing inside of them and can see what your finger looks like. Also you can put them in a diskdrive and then you can play a Crossword Puzzle in the great Amigabasic which is my favourite becoz it is exactly as fast as I am.
SN: WHAT DO YOU CODE?
LAMER: What? What I code? Do you want to make fun out of me?
SN: WHAT DO YOU THINK ON OTHER GROUPS?
LAMER: Well, there are only two leading groups on the Amiga. One is my soon-to-be-founded Group called 'AMIGA LAVATORY CLEANERS INC.' the other one is ALCI which is a short form for 'AMIGA LAVATORY CLEANERS INC.' About other groups I don't know much, but since I never heard of them they can't be too much famous.
SN: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS MAGAZINE?
LAMER: I like the Lamers Corner because it helps me a lot. I got three new friends this week just by followin'all the instructions in Lamers Corner.
(SORRY DEAR READER, BUT THIS LITTLE ADVERTISEMENT HAD TO BE INCLUDED BECAUSE NO ONE EVER READS THIS SECTION SO I CAN WRITE TOTAL SHIT HERE AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN CARE. FUCK IT, WHY DON'T I WRITE TOTAL SHIT? OK, LET'S WRITE SOME: !ATARI ST!. OK, THAT WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH TOTAL SHIT)
SN: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE OUTFIT?
LAMER: Outfit? Isn't this an island in the Pacific Ocean near the Caribbean Islands and not far away from France?
SN: WAS THIS AN OLD JOKE?
SN: WE GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAY TO ALL PEOPLE OUT THERE SOME WORDS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL THEM?
LAMER: Oh, its very simple. Stop beeing so cruel to Lamers. We are SO brave, nice, friendly that EVERYONE simply HAS to love us... Also I'd like to say hi to my Mum and Dad and Dog and Cat and Hospital Cell-Neighbour...
SN: THANK YOU FOR THIS TALK.
LAMER: Talk? Which Talk? I didn't do nothing! Why am always I the one to blame! Hey, where did you go ! HEY! STOP! HOLD! I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY MUMMY AND MY DADDY AND MY DOGGY AND MY CATTY AND MY DICK! No - sorry - about my 5 DISKS!
- - - -
!!!! LAMER's CORNER !!!!
The section you've been waiting for all the last days of this month! Today we have the theme:
!!! HOW TO COOK A 'LAMER SCHNITZEL' !!!
40 g chili powder
23 g dried red peppers
22 g cayenne pepper
35 fresh jalapino peppers
2 large onions
33 g Swiss cheese
1 pot of marmelade
20 pommes frites
6 cans of beer
and some LAMER!
If you don't have a lamer you can also breed yourself one:
Just catch one of the rare species of Atari ST fans and put him in a cage. Now give him a bastardized Amiga 500 and no games except 'Barbarian's (Original by Psygnosis, of course) and nothing to eat and soon enough he'll be a 100 percent LAMER to be cooked.
This is what you do:
Behead and debone lamer,then brown meat in an open Saucepan. After draining the fat add the diced onion and peppers and saute. Add the tomato soup and the rest spices and simmer for 30 minutes. Put the cheese and the pot of marmelade together and into lamer's head. Add the cans of beer and the kidney beans, while you stick the pommes frites into his balls so that you can play Mikado after the meal. (Games after a meal are a very good means of getting rid of stomach problems..)
The meal will feed 6 Persons so if there are more in your group then just get more lamers. Prior to serving the delicious meal place lamer's head on a stake and mount it on the top of your apartment so that the neighbours have a nice view. We hope ya liked the Lamer's Schnitzel and will come back to our Corner next time when we discuss the theme:
HOW TO BECOME FAMOUS BY MAKING BORING
< The Dark Lord & Dayglow Abortions >
- - - -
!!! LAMER's CORNER !!!
presents : JOKE OF THE YEAR 1989!
SADIST: 'OK, YOU HAVE ONE WISH FREE.'
LAMER: 'OH PLEASE,MASTER, TORTURE ME!'
- Okei, mita tama tekee lamerisivulla? Vaikka siina onkin Alien Sex Fiendia, ei se silti kuulu scenesivuille...
! DARK MUSIC ! Hello ! Are you one of those who have, besides their 'computer career', other interests, such as music. Now this new section will provide you with useful information on new (and sometimes old) independent groups and records, as well as the review of certain live gigs. If you are one of those poor creatures lurking around in discos all weekend who think that 'Bon Jovi' playes 'Punk' and who still believe that 'Gothic' is an expression of the history book, then I suggest you rather turn to the next pages because you won't like this one..
Since this is the first Issue of this new Section, let's start with some special goodies. First of all I'd like to recommend THE CASSANDRA COMPLEX. If you have never heard 'Gothic' before, then go to a Record Shop and get their new '30 MINUTES OF DEATH' Single. The A-Side is a 16.5 minutes enduring musical horror-trip of the greatest excellency called 'GUNSHIP'. This one won't ever be played on radio stations but people who listen to discomusic on the radio are not even worth seeing the cover of this OUTRAGEOUS single. If you don't have it already, go and get it. You won't regret it. Promise. On the B-Side is a very long instrumental song. They are also to release a new LP soon. When they played here in Nuernberg we went to see them and we were delighted.
(Note from the author: When I say 'WE' I mean The Liquid Head and Me, The Dark Lord because we're going most times together to the concerts... The Liquid Head is in no computer group, he's a Punk friend.)
The leader of THE CASSANDRA COMPLEX is the Irishman RODNEY ORPHEUS playing guitar, singing (with a GREAT voice) and programmin' the computer (I know, it's only an Atari ST but AtariST has better software when it comes to MIDI, sad as it may be. Amiga Companies: Make MIDI Programs, and the Atari will DIE.) The bass is played by John Galvin and the keyboards are handled by Jurgen Jansen. Patrick Gordon plays the 'guitrumpet', a new CASSANDRA COMPLEX instrument. It looks like a trumpet, it is played like a trumpet but it sounds like a mixture of a japanese motorcycle and a electric guitar. Really weird... I only can say that I deeply recommend you readers to THE CASSANDRA COMPLEX.
The next group to be recommended by me is ALIEN SEX FIEND. They are the most WEIRD Band ever. Just listen:
My brain is in the cupboard,
above the kitchen sink,
Not in my head,
So I don't have to think,
Really weird, eh? They ARE weird. If you cannot laugh then buy one of their LPs and you WILL laugh, believe me. I recommend buying the collection LP 'ALL OUR YESTERDAYS' with some of the best Alien Sex Fiend songs ever or to get ya hands on the new release called ANOTHER PLANET. As I don't have too much space left, let's just discuss this new release to give you some information on Alien Sex Fiend. (In the next issues of this section - if they ever will appear - you will get to know one by one all LPs from ALIEN SEX FIEND..)
This LP was finished in the end of 1988 so it's brand new. It's the funniest album ever to be recorded by A.S.F. Just listen to 'INSTANT KARMA SUTRA' or 'BUN-HO' or... and you'll not regret it. A.S.F. play electronical music with sometimes e-guitars. They do not have one single 'normal' song, all their songs sound like reaaally totally weird and crazy. Cool. You can get the lyrics when writing to BLUE CRUMB TRUCK (That's the ALIEN SEX FIEND contact address where you can get FIENDZINES (= Mr.Fiends pictures & lyrics) and TEE-Shirts and stuff like that). If you like to get more information on Alien Sex Fiend then this is the right address to write to.
- - - -
!!! Lamer's Corner !!!
! HACKER'S DICTIONARY !
This will help all losers to know what were talking about in Scandinavian News when we're talking sensibly (which is a rather rare occurrence, I know...)
COMPUTER: Sorry I never met one of'em, I am not Catholic.
JOYSTICK: This is what the girls use when the husbands are in the military service. You have to be 18 to fully comprehend the meaning of this (well, actually you may also be below 18 but we don't want to get problems with the censorship office....)
KIBOOD: (Speak: Keyboard) This is a Chinese type of seafood.
SCANDINAVIAN NEWS: Whenever you feel lonely deep down in your heart, then open your windows, look outside them and scream loud and clear: THE BEST COMPUTER MAGAZINE IS SCANDINAVIAN NEWS and do this three times every hour, so that ALL your neighbours have time to call the hospital...
DISKS: This is the sexual Organ of the inhabitants of the planet 'AMIGA' with whom they spread their children,little games and stuff...
MONITOR: Is another word for YUIZCXALS which means the same as ZXOICUZXZ-Zosh and I don't know what'e fuck I should write now to make this a look like a cool, funny answer.
MOUSE: Hey boy, If you don't know what a mouse is then you don't know your very ancestors! Shame on you!
LED: This is the Short Form for Lucky Ease Density and this means absolutely NOTHING.
RETURN: Return to the Planet of the Apes, where you belong. Your family is awaiting you, what keeps you here?
BACKSPACE: This's the size of your ASS.
DELETE: This is the french word for fun. Wherever you go scream loud and clear DELETE, DELETE, DELETE and you will be the star of every idiots-home.
COPPER: This means a bunch of Cops, or as the legalized ones say: Police....
DENISE: This is one of those Playmates of the PLAYBOY Magazine which is read by people who think they're cool just because they dare to see other people naked,but who are afraid that their neighbours could hear the noises when they make love...
- - - -
!!! LAMER'S CORNER !!!
Today we discuss the theme LAMERS - AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?
Since we seem to be the only magazine that cares about lamers (We have our own Lamer's Corner, right?) we are very very afraid of what has taken place lately. More and more lamers are dying! This is quite sad, because what could I write about if there were no more lamers??? So you see, today we want to discuss the reasons why lamers are an endangered species and how YOU could help them to survive this hard times... (Boy are we helpful!)
What could be the reason for lamers' deaths? Is it the weather conditions here in Europe? Is it that the air is filled by an AntiLamer-Virus that is killing the lamer-vital noname disks? Is it that we are living the last days of this earth? Is it because some shit company put all kinds of shit in the sea and the Lamers drank Water from the Sea and then they all died? Is it that I can write something in this edition of SN because I couldn't think of a more reasonable theme? NO!
No, absolutely NO! The reason and actually the only reason is that the worldwide cooperation of Losers (also known under the Name ATARI-FAN CLUB) try to undermine the Amiga. There is a very important difference between the Amiga lamers and the Atari losers. This difference is the computer. Now these foul Atari-losers are even worse than the Amiga- lamers and since they are a very evil type of creatures, they try to kill the Amiga-lamers, just because they have a better computer.
But being the stupid lamers that Amiga lamers are the only answer they give is 'Please do leave us alone'.
Now we have to help our funny lamers. Scandinavian News has already made this Lamer's Corner to help lamers to overcome problems of daily life. Now you, dear reader, also should try to help them. Give a lamer a kick in the ass, make a quick lamer-bodycheck, try to burn them and so on. Maybe it helps them to understand why they are to be proud of being lame. Not everyone is lame, you see. Lamers are a new fashion, Lamers are the elite of the idiots. Lamers are even worse than the Lavatory Cleaners Union! Be proud of being lame! It's the only thing you can be proud of! (That is if you have the brain to know what proud is.)
We do everything we can to help lamers. Now we also want YOU to help lamers. Therefore, to do a good deed, write to the LAMER'S CORNER (or rather SN Contact Adresses) and tell us what ways you can think of to help lamers. So PLEASE do write to LAMER'S CORNER!
HELP A LAMER - BE AN ASSHOLE!
- - - -
Joke of the month:
- - - -
HOW TO BECOME FAMOUS BY MAKING BORING INTROCOLLECTIONS!!!
Hey, dear Lamers! Today Papa is gonna tell you how to become really supercool and famous even in the smallest piece of shit (like Thailand or India....) : MAKE BORING INTROCOLLECTIONS! Now today we're gonna tell you how YOU can make thiz, step by step.
Get a disk and format it.If you don't know how to achieve this, then send me the disk and some 50 Marks and be assured that I'll format it for you.
Load the 'PREFERENCES' and try some sensible, meaningful colors such as green, white, yellow and purple. Edit the pointer to be a fuckfinger 'cause this is cool even if you don't even know what a fuckfinger means...(Fuck? Yes, I heard of it before, it is a Japanese Motorcycle Company,isn't it?)
Copy sum intros together on the disk. This may cause severe problems, since you don't have THAT many intros. Well, just rip some intros from other peoples cracks by copying 'em on your SUPERB collection disk. Please do not copy the SAME intro more than once on one collection disk.
Rename the intros to intelligent and superbly designed and fitting names such as '1' and '2'....
Use the 'SETKEY' prg to change the keymap. Here it proves to be helpful that you have renamed the intros in step 4, because so you don't have to think (hard work,eh?) and you just can use your table calculator to find out that after 1 comes 2 and so on.... So just put 1 on F1, 2 on F2... Some also write little fileselectors, but they are only too lazy to use the Setkey, aren't they?
You just got a BRILLIANT Idea! You put some 'ripped' music on the DISKS! YEAHH! MAN, HOW COOL THEY COME?? How to rip music? Well, no problem, we just use a nice rip-program (Because we wouldn't even be able to rip a single filename from a protected disk...) So we get a music module. Fine! But whot the hell (BLASPHEMY!!!) can we now do with a music module. Well, we are so cool that we just use ask a friend to write us a little equalizer. But coz he is our friend he is also lame and coz he is lame he does not know that there is a slight possibility that some users MAY under several rare circumstances have more than 512kB an so the music doesn't work with a Mem Expansion, but we don't care since we don't know that Mem Expansions even exist.. GREAT!
Just GREAT! Now we have 10 files and 10 function keys so that's more than enough and even if the disk is half empty we don't care since we HAVE to make a disk today, otherwise we can't spread anything tomorrow (cracking or even just a very simple selfmade USEFUL Program is much too hard for us).
Now we write a MEGAcoool text for our Demo (Made with the 'ULTIMATE INTRO CREATOR (c) by Loosers Ltd. in 1970') such as 'THE MICHAEL JACKSON FANCLUB' or 'BROS' (or simply 'SHIT') 'present in 1989: Collection < Number >'. Just great, and then we list the function keys and say a COOL sentence to show our sentience such as 'CATCH A KEY' or 'RAID A KEY' or 'FUCK OFF AND DIE' or 'LAMERS RULE!!'
Now we make a greetingslist (of coz, since we read the LAMER'S CORNER so often we remember to put in 'HI TO ALL OUR CONTACTS'...) and a Cool msg in the Startup-Sequence such as 'Keep out' or 'Salami Fick Special'
Hey,we forgot to put an intro of our own on the disk! NO PROBLEM! Just use the fine intro written in January 89 Issue in SN's Lamer's Corner...
Spread this SUUUUUUUUUPERcollection to all your CLOSE Friends and become reAAAAAAAli (Read: 'Really') Famoz..
( Who has NEVER done a introcollection in his whole life...)
- - - -
!!! Lamer's Corner !!!
How to Be VERYVERY! Cool on Copypartys
You have just smuggled yourself through the entrance of a local copyparty of some mid-class losers. ( Which is an improvement for you, because you are only a LOWLOWLOW class, sorry - NoClass loser.) What do you have to do if you want to gain new friends? The following things:
1. FORBID the drinking of Alcohol. Alcohol makes you only to see things weirder, so if you forbid alcohol everyone will be PLEASED and HAPPY and LOVELY and will BURST OF LOVE...
2. Make sum nice jokes such as this one: Hello, can I borrow your passport for awhile, I need something funny to laugh at.
3. Install hundres of hundreds of Electricity Counters so everyone will have to pay his own Electricity. This will make you the HERO of the Party, be assured.
4. Serve roastbeef and pure water for dinner, supper and breakfast and use some saltwater as a snack during the breaks....
5. ALWAYS call the firemen if someone even thinks of smoking a cigarette.
6. It's always fun to install a nice electro-magnet under the place where the disks are stored...
7. It is assumed to be MEGAULTRAHARDCORE-SUPERCOOL if you reset somebody's Amiga who has just written some 1200 Lines of Assembly Code and has forgotten to save it.....
8. Always SHOUT, SCREAM AND YELL at girls - they just LOVE it when you do so.
9. If you need some money, go around and talk to everyone until he or she or it gives you some money so that you finally shut your mouth.
10. If you are even cooler, then try to hit everyone you see in the face. Especially karate kids will LOVE you afterwards for the fine training sessions they could have with you..
11. You can also be cool if you put yourself into a refrigerator or a freezer.
12. The South Pole is even colder than the fridge, but you'll have to travel some distance....
13. If ya need new friends just get your whip and hit them until they are only some bleeding piece of meat. They will love you because you didn't do the worst with them : Talk!
14. Get a pen and a paper and write all of this down, then make a Poster out of it and hang it on the wall of your humble, humble home (Asylum...)