Not for kind minds!
Scandinavian News was an excellent magazine back in 1988-1989. Not only it was great reading with good writers, excellent grammar, word checkings and good articles - but some writers were complete whackos and made every effort possible to make jokes about each other. This culminated in verbal war between me and TWS/Growl, the other main editors of SN, and many big wars were fought in SN-pages.
The jokes were so numerous and often harsh, that many people thought we were really in war with each other and wondered how we are still making a magazine together.
Here you can read some pretty great articles and jokes they made about me.
Scandinavian News 1/1989
Grendel the Megalover
It was an extremely beautiful August evening, when Grendel decided to go to dance. He was in a hopeful mood and whistled on the way. He had finally decided to overcome his shyness and hit a girl, maybe even kiss her in the soft August moon shine under a leafy tree.
On the dancing place he noticed to his disappointment that there was once more little hope. Even though he walked amongst the girls and looked all around he couldn't find suitable one.For some reason all girls seemed to be taller than average, and he didn't know how to kiss a girl two heads taller than he.
Dances were closing to the end and Grendel began feel panicky. He searched and searched but a girl of a suitable height simply wasn't there. Finally girls began to leave, one by one, some with a boy, and finally there was only the orchestra playing the last waltz, a couple of orderlies and a girl, 30 cm taller than Grendel. He encouraged himself, asked the girl for the last waltz and told her that he would accompany her home.
- Don't bother, I live 20 km from here and the last bus has already gone.
- That's okay, I don't really have anything else to do, said Grendel and thought feverishly, how he should act. A tall gal was pretty hard to handle.
They left and chatted. A couple of miles from the dancing place Grendel saw a blacksmith's and asked her to come and warm up a bit. When they entered, Grendel had an idea and noticed that the anvil was about the right height. He climbed on the anvil, drew the girl near himself and kissed her hotly. After a while girl wanted to go on and so they went.
They walked on and the night wore on. Girl's home started to loom on the end of the road, and Grendel thought again. He noticed a hay barn that had the door ajar and suggested that they go to warm up a bit again. Girl said no and that she had had enough kissing for the night. Grendel sighed resignatedly and said: - If no then no. I guess it's no use carrying this anvil, either.
Scandinavian News 8 2/1989
The Birth Of The Lamerism
In the beginning only the strong, or the ingenious, survived. During the millennias all the rest were heaped into a great Pile of Losers. When this pile composted, turned back to shit, from which all the losers had come, an immensely fruitful medium for growth was created. This substance was so good that even the less strong, and the plain ones, were able to live. Finally there happened a minor miracle and even the powerless and the mindless ones made it. From this we have examples in our midst even today,namely Grendel&Co.
Scandinavian News 6 December '88
Grendel has moved!
The master of lamers, the strategy fan numer one, the Great Grendel Himself has moved - about 100m north into a fantastic flat in the center of Iisalmi city. The house is situated above a movie theatre, so Grendel must move his ass only 20 m through three floors to be in front row, where he usually watches at the moveis because he has such a miserable eye-sight.
Yes, he also had a driving licence so if you are going to move in Iisalmi, be REALLY careful, since Grendel has seen the movie Deathrally 2000 maybe three times too many times.
Now Grendel has two rooms instead of previous one. It means that the mess will be twice as bad as before and Grendel can be twice as unresponsive to his overcaring mother's suggestions about cleaning his double pigsty.
Anyway, Grendel has finished all other 64-swapping except strategy and Role games. Thus, if you're interested in strategy, contact Grendel.
Scandinavian News 1/1989
In the previous issue of this extra- fabulous, supergreat discmag you may have noticed that we, the people of SN have had an addition (or subtraction) to staff. His name is Grendel and he doesn't know too much English as you may have noticed. Also, with his own words, he doesn't care a shit whether he writes something right or not. This notice is the official apology from SN staff to the honored readers for that fact that we have included him in our magazine. Take his articles as so many intellectual exercises, as we here in the editorial staff of SN do. It is incredible, how a text written by a person with an IQ below zero can puzzle people with IQs over 200 as the most our readers are (and naturally the rest of the editorial staff).
However, measures have been started. During the next few numbers you are going to see vast improvements in his language as we educate him.
Grendel Bullets (not for kind minds)
- What makes you think Grendel is stupid?
- Yesterday I said him 'Hello' and he didn't know what to answer.
- Grendel stood in front of a mirror and masturbated. After a while he gave up and said: 'No, I do not seem to be of my type.'
Doctor : You look worse today.
Grendel: I feel worse also.
D: Have you been following my advice?
Only five cigarettes a day?
G:Oh yes, though it is hard, since I have smoked never before.
Doctor: You need eyeglasses.
Grendel: How do you know? You haven't even examined me yet.
D: I knew it when you greeted my other coat hanging there.
Doctor to Grendel: - You are suffering from schizophrenia. My fee is $100 from each of you.
Grendel at the psychiatrist's: Nobody takes me seriously. Shrink: You are kidding.
A journalist to Grendel:
-What is your phone number?
-It's in the catalog.
-What's your name, then?
-It's there, too.
More of the Grendel jokes:
Daddy taught Grendel Math: - What comes after nine? Grendel thought for a while and then said: "If you are working, usually uncle from the next door."
Grendel in the swimming hall:
Warden: Hey, you. It's forbidden to pee into pool!
Grendel: But everybody does it!
Warden: Maybe, but not from the edge of the pool!
Grendel to a friend: -I told this photographer that I don't want my pic into the 'paper. He looked at my face and said that he understood well.
- Grendel to another person: - I never forget the day I was born.
- What happened??
- I cried like a child.
- Grendel, why did you leave your job as the taster of the tin can factory?
- I wasn't given a long enough lunch break.
Little Grendel came home from his daily activities and mother started to bathe him - and noticed to her amazement that Grendel's tiny dick was all black.
- What on Earth has happened to you?
- It's all Lisa's fault, said Grendel.
- Whaddya mean, Lisa's fault?
- Well, see, she is too young to get pills so she uses carbon tablets instead !
Have you checked the mirror today? Did you, by any chance happen to notice strange hair around the lower half of your face? When you sniffed, did you feel a weird, bad smell? Have you forgotten to change your socks for the last three weeks? If your answer yes to all three questions, you have a great chance to have contracted Grendelism. Only known cure for it is - death.
- No, Grendel, I won't go to bed before I'm safely married.
- Okay. Call me when you have married somebody!
Mommy to little Grendel:
- Dear Lord, what have you done?
- I fell into mud.
- In your new clothes !?!
- I didn't have time to take them off !
Teacher asks Grendel:
- Could you name one city from Italy?
- Ok, which one I should name?
Aforism of the month:
- When you wake up in the morning and look yourself at the mirror. If you start worrying about how awful you look after hard partying, just thank God that you aren't Grendel. He looks like it always.
Grendel in train four days after Christmas: "My grandma gave me a watch to me as a present. It's a brand new model. It doesn't need any batteries. I just have to wind it.